Am I Doomed? just ranting away...

Sometimes I really think that I am doomed to fail this surgery, which is pretty embarrassing to say the least. Maybe I am/was the worst candidate for surgery on the planet. I cheat constantly and I am in the "honeymoon" period of my surgery according to so many WLS books I have read and WLS blogs and forums that I read constantly. I wonder if other WLS patients feel this way?? I did not have this surgery to improve my health, honestly I am a firm believer that if your meant to die from a heart attack then your going to die from a heart attack regardless of your weight. I have been overweight most of my life so maybe that belief is a defense mechanism I do not know! Sometimes I feel like I don't know me! I had this surgery to look better and feel better and so that I could love me again and enjoy life more. We only get one you know! I am actually very tired, I mean very tired. The truth is I kind of depend on the medication I get at the "California weight loss clinic" to function. That is the first time I said that publicly.. What is going to happen to me when I am too skinny to get that medication anymore? I don't even want to think about it most days! I am afraid I am going to gain it all back at some point, I don't know. this is a very tricky emotional situation I am in after having WLS....it does help to rant about it like someone is listening. I often do not know what I am saying and I am constantly changing my mind about how I feel about things. Yes I would do it again because the regret would kill me and I am losing weight I just have to figure out a way to keep it off. I often wonder how skinny I will get, will I actually get to 135 lbs like my doctor thinks I will?? I don't know. Secretly I do want to be very skinny, is that bad? Maybe it is all the years of being such a fatty that make me think that being a sickly little stick would be kinda nice. I know I know that's gross, blah blah but I am being honest. What is worse being nasty skinny or nasty big? it is a matter of opinion for sure. Who knows what I will feel like if I ever get to that stage. I do not see that happening though because I am the queen of cheating and probably the worse WLS patient ever to have had this surgery....

4 weeks post op today!

I weighed in at 172 so that is 20 lbs down!! Yippee. Some days I think I made a mistake by having this surgery and some days I am so happy I did! I got my first compliment yesterday too about how much weight I have lost!! Those really help!

Fluids!!

 

This is my everyday bottle of watered down purple Gatorade (G2) that I try to drink everyday. Aside from Gatorade it is really hard for me to get my fluids in. I just wish I could gulp fluids down still! I do not think I have made my goal of 64 oz once since surgery. I really need to drink because if I get dehydrated even pre-sleeve it is all bad. I usually end up in the ER hooked up to an IV for hours on end! I am trying my best to get the liquid in but it is so hard!! 

3 Weeks Post Op Today!!

 

I am 15lbs down now! Woot woot ! I am having some trouble though, this is harder than I thought it was going to be! I kind of cheat a lot.. and by that I mean snacking on things and on top of that tasting things that are bad like my sons snacky foods. :( Sometimes I feel like I am not gonna be so great at this whole bring a sleever and some days I feel like I am going to rock it! It is a very emotional roller coaster to say the least....  

On a positive note I am feeling much better about myself.. see I am wearing red lipstick and the super fat me would never do that.

Pureed Foods :/

 

Don't get me wrong I love my baby bullet and I am glad not to be on full liquids any more but YUCK! The first few days were ok, but after that it was so hard to eat that nastiness! It tasted fine but the texture made me want to vomit! So....I only did a week of pureed food and was done with that. No, my doctor did not clear me but did you know that in some states sleevers do not even have to do a pureed diet for two weeks so yeah I'M DONE! DONE! DONE! 

14lbs. DOWN

I will be 3 weeks postOP in 4 days and I have lost 14lbs. I weigh  178.0! Woot Woot! Granted I am considered a "light" weight sleever because I started my pre-OP journey at 206 and had surgery at 192. I feel great and I am starting love myself again! I was getting a little discouraged because for 4 days I did not lose an ounce but sure enough the scale started moving again! For any of you in a stall just keep going!

Spaghetti Sauce for me

My family had spaghetti last night :(. I had spaghetti sauce but I must have had too much and I made myself sick again. I went for a walk and that helped the nauseated feeling a little. I spent the rest of the night in bed :(. I guess I have to measure out only one ounce of food when trying something new because being sick sucks!!!

Happy Birthday to me ;)

I had puréed chicken and spinach for dinner. Also for my birthday treat we all had sugar free chocolate pudding with whipped cream. I took the whipped cream off of mine and only had a tiny bite since I was over stuffed and feeling nasty from the chicken... real food makes me feel gross! Sigh...

One week post OP today

I am week out today and I have lost 7.6 lbs. !! That's crazy good! I weigh 184.4! Woot Woot!

Constipated?

Well I had surgery on the 29th and have not eaten anything since the 28th at 5:30 p.m. and no BM yet.. I took milk or mag this afternoon but just 20 ml which is less than the recommended dose. I also took one colase soft gel which made me feel yucky. I hope something happens soon! I have read some pretty scary stuff online about this issue.. YIKES

I would recommend taking TWO weeks off of work!

I thought my first day was going great but now at 6 and after a two hour staff meeting (3-5) I'm completely exhausted and everything hurts....

First Day Back at Work

I am 6 days post OP and I'm headed back to work this morning. Still taking dauladid * as needed for pain. I am a preschool teacher and only work from 8:30-12:15 so I should be fine. Wish me luck! I am feeling good now, it was nice getting back into the drop off routine with my three boys. :)

Full Liquids

OK this is my second day on full liquids and I am feeling much better. This is a tomato soup with a tablespoon of cream cheese melted into it. I also added garlic powder, salt, and pepper. It was so good I almost wished I could eat more than a couple ounces ;) but I can't and that's kind of amazing . I only finished a quarter of that tiny bowl and was FULL.!!!

5 days Post OP

I drove for the first time today. Yes I was still on some pain medication but I was fine. I just went to pick up my kindergarten boy :)

Calcium Chews

Oh my goodness! These are the most delicious calcium chews I have ever eaten! They are not chalky at all, they are smooth and taste like rich brownie bites! I got them from celebrate vitamins.

Tea is my new BFF

 

I never in my life thought I would go to Starbucks and order TEA! I never really even liked TEA, I have always been more of an iced coffee or white chocolate peppermint mocha type of girl....but i guess that is what got me in trouble in the first place. It is the start of a whole new life for me in more ways then I ever counted on. 

4 Days POST-OP and 5lbs. down!

Okay today is Sunday (Superbowl Sunday) February 2nd and I am finally feeling better today. Do not get me wrong here it still hurts like hell when I swallow anything that is not hot tea or hot broth but it is getting better. I got to start FULL liquids today and I had one ounce of Greek yogurt this morning for breakfast, so far so good. It is hard to get my liquids in because every sip hurts. The good news is I weigh 187 lbs already! I went from 192 on surgery day to 187! That is five pounds down! I really hope I can feel better soon and it will not hurt to eat.

Oh another thing is that food that people are eating (Superbowl Food) smells good looks good but there is no way in hell I would consider putting it in my mouth because of the pain I am sure it would cause. So I guess that is a good thing plus I am not hungry anyway. That is all for now. Wish me luck that tomorrow is better! I really need to get back to work on Tuesday ....

I am home!

I had to spend an extra day in the hospital because I was not able to hold things down plus my pain was out of control! But I am home. It hurts to eat or drink the best way to describe it is my stomach feels like a slug getting salt poured on it , that freaks out in pain whenever I take a sip of anything. I am starting to get accustomed to this weird sensation.
By the looks of my pictures I am sure you can tell I feel horrible...still.

Sleeve dissection

The dark purple line is where he cut.

My before stomach..

Pretty gross!