Am I Doomed? just ranting away...

Sometimes I really think that I am doomed to fail this surgery, which is pretty embarrassing to say the least. Maybe I am/was the worst candidate for surgery on the planet. I cheat constantly and I am in the "honeymoon" period of my surgery according to so many WLS books I have read and WLS blogs and forums that I read constantly. I wonder if other WLS patients feel this way?? I did not have this surgery to improve my health, honestly I am a firm believer that if your meant to die from a heart attack then your going to die from a heart attack regardless of your weight. I have been overweight most of my life so maybe that belief is a defense mechanism I do not know! Sometimes I feel like I don't know me! I had this surgery to look better and feel better and so that I could love me again and enjoy life more. We only get one you know! I am actually very tired, I mean very tired. The truth is I kind of depend on the medication I get at the "California weight loss clinic" to function. That is the first time I said that publicly.. What is going to happen to me when I am too skinny to get that medication anymore? I don't even want to think about it most days! I am afraid I am going to gain it all back at some point, I don't know. this is a very tricky emotional situation I am in after having WLS....it does help to rant about it like someone is listening. I often do not know what I am saying and I am constantly changing my mind about how I feel about things. Yes I would do it again because the regret would kill me and I am losing weight I just have to figure out a way to keep it off. I often wonder how skinny I will get, will I actually get to 135 lbs like my doctor thinks I will?? I don't know. Secretly I do want to be very skinny, is that bad? Maybe it is all the years of being such a fatty that make me think that being a sickly little stick would be kinda nice. I know I know that's gross, blah blah but I am being honest. What is worse being nasty skinny or nasty big? it is a matter of opinion for sure. Who knows what I will feel like if I ever get to that stage. I do not see that happening though because I am the queen of cheating and probably the worse WLS patient ever to have had this surgery....