Why do WLS patients LIE?

Well from the very beginning of this whole journey I told myself I was not going to lie to anyone who asked me how I am losing weight BUT this is proving to be harder than I thought, A LOT harder. It is weird..some people have asked me in a drive by manner, for example as they are walking by saying a quick hello but it is obvious they have somewhere to go.. I can not seem to get the words to come out of my traitor mouth! I just say things like Oh I am watching what I eat, or exercise, or high protein (which mostly true). How do I just spit it out?? What will happen if I do? I used to be so judgy about why people don't tell other people they had surgery but I kind of get it now. How do you bring it up and what will they think of me? oh my lots to say on this, not enough time. I will come back to this one...
I guess I am worried about people will think and in a way worried about if it will affect me getting a teaching job in my own town... Is that weird? I want to tell all the overweight people that I know that I did have surgery but I just can't seem to find the right moment to do it. For all of you out there that I did not tell right away, I'm sorry I just didn't know how.. I am seriously considering making little cards and just handing them to people when they ask me so they can just go to my blog and read ALL about it.

Am I Doomed? just ranting away...

Sometimes I really think that I am doomed to fail this surgery, which is pretty embarrassing to say the least. Maybe I am/was the worst candidate for surgery on the planet. I cheat constantly and I am in the "honeymoon" period of my surgery according to so many WLS books I have read and WLS blogs and forums that I read constantly. I wonder if other WLS patients feel this way?? I did not have this surgery to improve my health, honestly I am a firm believer that if your meant to die from a heart attack then your going to die from a heart attack regardless of your weight. I have been overweight most of my life so maybe that belief is a defense mechanism I do not know! Sometimes I feel like I don't know me! I had this surgery to look better and feel better and so that I could love me again and enjoy life more. We only get one you know! I am actually very tired, I mean very tired. The truth is I kind of depend on the medication I get at the "California weight loss clinic" to function. That is the first time I said that publicly.. What is going to happen to me when I am too skinny to get that medication anymore? I don't even want to think about it most days! I am afraid I am going to gain it all back at some point, I don't know. this is a very tricky emotional situation I am in after having WLS....it does help to rant about it like someone is listening. I often do not know what I am saying and I am constantly changing my mind about how I feel about things. Yes I would do it again because the regret would kill me and I am losing weight I just have to figure out a way to keep it off. I often wonder how skinny I will get, will I actually get to 135 lbs like my doctor thinks I will?? I don't know. Secretly I do want to be very skinny, is that bad? Maybe it is all the years of being such a fatty that make me think that being a sickly little stick would be kinda nice. I know I know that's gross, blah blah but I am being honest. What is worse being nasty skinny or nasty big? it is a matter of opinion for sure. Who knows what I will feel like if I ever get to that stage. I do not see that happening though because I am the queen of cheating and probably the worse WLS patient ever to have had this surgery....

A little Bitter

Yeah I highly doubt that...yes I had 3 walnut prawns and a noodle and a bite of shrimp fried rice but that's besides the point right now. I am feeling pretty bitter because my hubby just went out for drinks again (last time it was called golfing) and all I ever do is go to work, do chores, be mommy, be wifey, and write essays or do group projects at the darn library!!

It is not nice of me to be bitter after all he's meeting his adorable brother who is cop for drinks to celebrate the lives of four fallen officers last year. I am just having a  moment because I an overwhelmed and done with school and I can't freaking eat to soothe myself, and I know I can't have a single drink for 8 more months! Arghh, ignore this post I'm just venting and since I can't eat a cheeseburger I'm going to try complaining.. And it's helping a little.

8 weeks post OP

I weighed in at 157.6 this morning! Crazy. So I've lost about 34 lbs in 2 months. Wow.

7 weeks post OP

31 lbs down, I weighed in at 161.0! Woot woot!

Just a bad day

Well I had a horrible day.. We got up extra early to go buy the movie Frozen before they sold out, no movies at Safeway, we were almost late, work was long, my 6 year old got sick at school, they called my cell not my work, my kid sat there for an hour, I took my aunt to get a blood draw, had to wait in the car with a sick kid and a screaming one year old for 30+minutes, the baby scresmed all the way home because he was tired since the swing at the babysitters broke, got home baby was wet, the baby decides to pee everywhere as I am changing him, on my blanket my bed his blanket and his set of new clothes I was going to put on him AND his new shoes!!! Isaac is whiny, I had to wake up a soaking wet baby to take my 11 year old to practice, had to pick him up from his friends house because practice ended at 5 and not 530 like I thought it did, the baby screws the entire time I'm on the phone with him, then hubby gets home with frozen (bless his heart) and just as I am getting ready to put it in Isaac throws up all over my favorite rug!!! OMG I really just want a box of Oreos and a cheeseburger and a diet coke with a straw!!! I cried, I know silly but I was overwhelmed! I still am I can't wait for this day to be over! I annoy even gonna watch Frozen! I'm pouting!

Shoot me now!

6 weeks postOP and 26.5 lbs down !

Well here I am at 6 weeks out which means I am officially allowed to exercise, run, lift weights, and all that jazz which basically means I am out of excuses.. I am 26.5 lbs down which puts me at 165.4 lbs which is only 20lbs away from the skinniest I have every been and that is exciting!! So first things first, things are getting easier every day which is a huge blessing to me ( I think). I am able to eat without getting horribly sick now which can be dangerous because I do not want to fail at this. It is a struggle now to "behave myself" and eat the right foods. On a positive note I am suddenly able to take in more fluids this week! Yippee!!
Another thing that is on my mind is that one of my  dear BFFs is flying in from Georgia in May for us to do Bay to Breakers and I can bearly manage to walk for 2 miles without feeling very very weak :(. I know there is only one way to get to seven miles and that is to get out there and walk as much as I can. Yesterday I walked almost 2 miles and today I walked for about a half hour so I am off to a good start. I know my buddy want to run but I think I will be lucky to be able to brisk walk for 7 miles without dying! Anyway wish me luck. I promise to post a full body before picture and a current one soon I am just not so comfortable asking my hubby to take the current picture, last time for the before my mom was here so she did it :).

Eating out ....

I know I shouldn't be eating out but it is hard to explain our family dynamic... We don't go out much but when we do it's a fun kind of family time. Anyway so I went to Red Robin and had an eye opening experience... It was the weirdest feeling only being able to take a bite or two of my food. I felt so self-conscious about it! I felt like the waitress and my husband were staring at my food every five seconds. The only thing that saved me was that my one year old was so super fussy and I just held him, played with him, and pretended to eat. I could not wait until it was over. So for those of you wondering what the heck I ordered, it was a Cesar chicken wrap and cup of chicken tortilla soup. I thought that would be OK since I could pick out the chicken and drink the broth from the soup well I was wrong! The soup broth was thick like enchilada sauce and the wrap was mostly lettuce which I don't even eat yet! Not that I could even eat without some major discomfort from the chicken! what sucks is that I ate a french fry just fine! Next time I will go with fish and mashed potatoes but Red Robin had none of that.
The next day was opening day for baseball and my hubby wanted to go out for breakfast... another kind of tradition. However, this time I told the waitress I was just going to eat whatever the kids and baby did not eat. So I ordered from the kids menu, so much smarter and less weird. I got the scrambled egg with cheese, two slices of bacon and half a waffle. I actually ate a bite of egg, a quarter to a half slice of bacon and two "squares" of the waffle, the rest the I let the baby play with and he made a mess and most of the food ended up on the floor.

5 weeks and 23.5 lbs down!

It feels good to see the scale move consistently ;) however I have been feeling pretty sluggish! I'm so tired all the time and I feel weak. It is hard to carry my baby upstairs and stuff like that without feeling like it is so hard! I can't wait till next week when I am really cleared to exercise so I can't use that as an excuse anymore! I need to start jogging again or at least walking fast since my BFF is flying in from Georgia to do Bay to Breakers with me!! I can not imagine walking not to mention jogging that far, 7 miles! Wish me luck.

Why did I have the surgery, you ask?

Well for those of you that want to know why I chose to have this surgery, let me give you a few of my main reasons. First, I think I was the perfect candidate for this surgery because of my weight history. I have been overweight since I was five years old and when I was in fifth grade I weighed over 160lbs! So my mother (rest in peace) thinking she was doing me a favor put me on Jenny Craig, and guess what she made me a life time member! Yay me, NOT! That right there scarred me for life. I did however get down to 135lbs, which made my mother very proud. I love my mother very much dont get me wrong but we are not all perfect. Anyway I struggled with my weight all through school and had to endure being made fun of on a daily basis. (Not fun). When I was in eighth grade my mother passed away and eight months later my house burned down in a freak accident that took my father's life. Now I was really a wreck emotionally and went to live with my sister who was 10 years older than me and had a family. Those years were rocky at first and then they were good. Well in college I caught on to the whole phentermine thing and I lost a lot of weight and I looked good, for a couple years (like 3). Then I got married and got pregnant and I gained all my weight back plus some. I gained 80lbs during that pregnancy, I know that is quite horrid. I delivered my first adorable son and was left weighing in at 230lbs. After that I lost some weight again and probably got back into the high 180's but then I started to let myself go again (not to mention I was getting older). By the time I noticed my weight again, I was really wanting another baby. Having another baby turned out to be harder than it was the first time (since I was not trying the first time!), I ended up having a series of miscarriages and an eggtopic pregnancy that almost killed me since it ruptured internally. Needless to say I was a mess for a while after that, we were even trying to adopt a baby so my Danny who was already 4 could have a sibling, but no one wanted to give us a baby and that took its toll on me and my hubby. Finally I prayed to God and asked him to please cause chaos in the adoption process if this was not what he wanted for me and my family. I told Him that I would still LOVE him even if I never had another baby. I also promised that if I did have another baby and it was a boy that I would name him Isaac(inspired by the story of Abraham and Isaac). Low and behold, the adoption office in my town shutdown that week! (God answers prayers). They told us we could go to an office in Oakland which was a good ways away from our home so we just quit because I had my sign, this was not for us. The next month I was pregnant and I knew from day one that it would be a boy and it was. ( I know I am getting way off topic here but now I just want to vent a little). After I had Isaac I was determined to lose the weight and I joined a weight loss challenge put on by herbalife. I did good but I somehow found my way back to the weight loss drug phentermine....( I know, that is bad). I was feeling good though I got all the way down to 147lbs at one point!! I even ran a half marathon and kept the weight off for about 3 years. After that my life took another turn for the worse (ALOT of family drama I cannot discuss) I had so much stress and financial problems that I found myself in old habits again. I found myself back at 190lbs in no time at all. I went back to school to try to help our financial situation and 3 months later I was blessed (did not feel that way at first) with another pregnancy and another beautiful baby boy, Joseph. That pregnancy left me at 225lbs once again and I was miserable and embarrassed. That is when I found out about my friend who had had bypass and been very successful so I started learning everything I could about Weight loss surgery. Once I figured out who to talk to it only took me a couple of months to get approved and get a surgery date. I figured I needed something that hopefully will be permanent because I was tired of the up and down because it was so emotionally draining. Also this is my life! and I only get one and I wanted to do this so so badly and I knew if I did not do it that would have always wished I had. So I took the plunge and did it. Yes I am afraid of what people will say, very afraid. Yes I am afraid I will fail and gain it all back, but then again I have done that many times before, this way at least I will not regret not having given it a try. My surgery was completely covered by Kaiser and my copay on surgery day was only $20! So I took a few days off work, had to endure some pain, and really pissed off my hubby but all in all I did not loose much in going ahead with the surgery.  In the end, it is my body and I can do with it whatever I want. I really feel like this is a new start for me and I hope this is the beginning of a whole new me forever!

4.5 weeks postOP and down 21.5lbs.