Old Habits Die Hard

Well old habits due hard! I had a really bad day. I went to the dentist and because I am broke as a joke I never got a crown on my tooth that needed a root canal. Welllll now it needs to be redone and it is going to cost me $450 that I do not have! Plus it gets worse, the tooth next to it also needs a root canal... not to mention they will both need crowns. I sobbed in my car after the dentist visit for about 15 minutes and then drove to McDonalds. I do really love my sleeve though because I am eating a few fries and already I feel nasty and have not even taken a bite of the McDouble I ordered (ha). You know you have a serious food addiction when the taste of even one hot salty french fry can melt your stress away (even if only for a few minutes). I am so tired of being broke and having problems with my teeth! I am almost done with school and I can not wait to make a decent paycheck too bad my teeth won;t wait another two years!! I feel really bad because my husband has been wanting to buy a boy toy and has been holding back to be "good"  and now I am going to spend all our money on my stupid teeth! really. We need to save since I will not be making a dime starting in June of this year until I am done with student teaching and then still until I get/don't get subbing jobs or a real teaching position. OMG! Sometimes I do not know how we are going to make it. I'm scared.

Evil peeps

Oh man, the Easter candy is making my life miserable! I was so sad on Easter and kind of in a funk because I was not able to stuff my face the way I wanted to. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to enjoy my "meal" with the family. Don;t get me wrong I am glad I can't eat like I want to but it does make me sad sometimes... What a weird thing it is to be addicted to food. Hopefully I can snap out of this mourning for food eventually..

Why do WLS patients LIE?

Well from the very beginning of this whole journey I told myself I was not going to lie to anyone who asked me how I am losing weight BUT this is proving to be harder than I thought, A LOT harder. It is weird..some people have asked me in a drive by manner, for example as they are walking by saying a quick hello but it is obvious they have somewhere to go.. I can not seem to get the words to come out of my traitor mouth! I just say things like Oh I am watching what I eat, or exercise, or high protein (which mostly true). How do I just spit it out?? What will happen if I do? I used to be so judgy about why people don't tell other people they had surgery but I kind of get it now. How do you bring it up and what will they think of me? oh my lots to say on this, not enough time. I will come back to this one...
I guess I am worried about people will think and in a way worried about if it will affect me getting a teaching job in my own town... Is that weird? I want to tell all the overweight people that I know that I did have surgery but I just can't seem to find the right moment to do it. For all of you out there that I did not tell right away, I'm sorry I just didn't know how.. I am seriously considering making little cards and just handing them to people when they ask me so they can just go to my blog and read ALL about it.

Am I Doomed? just ranting away...

Sometimes I really think that I am doomed to fail this surgery, which is pretty embarrassing to say the least. Maybe I am/was the worst candidate for surgery on the planet. I cheat constantly and I am in the "honeymoon" period of my surgery according to so many WLS books I have read and WLS blogs and forums that I read constantly. I wonder if other WLS patients feel this way?? I did not have this surgery to improve my health, honestly I am a firm believer that if your meant to die from a heart attack then your going to die from a heart attack regardless of your weight. I have been overweight most of my life so maybe that belief is a defense mechanism I do not know! Sometimes I feel like I don't know me! I had this surgery to look better and feel better and so that I could love me again and enjoy life more. We only get one you know! I am actually very tired, I mean very tired. The truth is I kind of depend on the medication I get at the "California weight loss clinic" to function. That is the first time I said that publicly.. What is going to happen to me when I am too skinny to get that medication anymore? I don't even want to think about it most days! I am afraid I am going to gain it all back at some point, I don't know. this is a very tricky emotional situation I am in after having WLS....it does help to rant about it like someone is listening. I often do not know what I am saying and I am constantly changing my mind about how I feel about things. Yes I would do it again because the regret would kill me and I am losing weight I just have to figure out a way to keep it off. I often wonder how skinny I will get, will I actually get to 135 lbs like my doctor thinks I will?? I don't know. Secretly I do want to be very skinny, is that bad? Maybe it is all the years of being such a fatty that make me think that being a sickly little stick would be kinda nice. I know I know that's gross, blah blah but I am being honest. What is worse being nasty skinny or nasty big? it is a matter of opinion for sure. Who knows what I will feel like if I ever get to that stage. I do not see that happening though because I am the queen of cheating and probably the worse WLS patient ever to have had this surgery....

A little Bitter

Yeah I highly doubt that...yes I had 3 walnut prawns and a noodle and a bite of shrimp fried rice but that's besides the point right now. I am feeling pretty bitter because my hubby just went out for drinks again (last time it was called golfing) and all I ever do is go to work, do chores, be mommy, be wifey, and write essays or do group projects at the darn library!!

It is not nice of me to be bitter after all he's meeting his adorable brother who is cop for drinks to celebrate the lives of four fallen officers last year. I am just having a  moment because I an overwhelmed and done with school and I can't freaking eat to soothe myself, and I know I can't have a single drink for 8 more months! Arghh, ignore this post I'm just venting and since I can't eat a cheeseburger I'm going to try complaining.. And it's helping a little.

8 weeks post OP

I weighed in at 157.6 this morning! Crazy. So I've lost about 34 lbs in 2 months. Wow.

7 weeks post OP

31 lbs down, I weighed in at 161.0! Woot woot!